Monthly Archives: December 2010
365 days since she left us forever.
Tonight, as I sit wrapped up in HER shawl, a strange vacuum fills my heart… of an irreparable loss. I miss her terribly, is all that I can say!
Just when I thought I had figured out a little something on what to do with my life, LIFE did a turnaround and surprised me. This time, I don’t have a choice coz its the best I could ask for, given the circumstances.
They say, be careful of what you really wish for. Everything I wanted has strangely fallen into place though, now I’m not quite sure this is what I wanted. But, ya this is what I need. And an economist’s viewpoint of want and need has quite a difference 😉
To sum up, life has gone haywire again. I’m picking up the pieces…
Her face lit up with a smile as she saw the envelope. Obviously, it looked like a wedding invitation. The left corner had the names written. There, she knew it. This was pending for a long time. She knew it was coming. Two people who did have a significant role to play in her life had decided to finally say ‘I do’ in spite of trying to make it sound like ‘ WE don’t’ for so long, years actually.
SHE was the one with whom she grew up. HE was the bane of her existence during those silly teenage years.
She sat, perched on one of the corner seats of the church witnessing this moment she had been dreaming of. The bride walked down the aisle and HE stood there eagerly waiting. This was a moment many had waited for.
The rituals were done, the couple walked across hand in hand. She went to them, hugged them and the three of them gave each other those knowing looks.The silent glares filled up the pages that had been hidden in the story of their lives until now.
“Excuse me, can I take her away now”, a voice came from behind. The couple hadn’t expected this new chapter to be added in her life, meanwhile. And when the knowing looks turned into looks of bewilderment, she knew fairy tales did exist.
I hate treating my blog like an English composition book but inadvertently, I tend to treat this as one. In the whole process of polishing language and structuring my sentences, I lose out on what I really wanted to vent.
Career choice, family, the next big step… the deadly phase seems to have resurfaced as I edge closer towards the mandatory quarter life crisis.
Where is that girl I once knew as ‘me’?
I was pulling my hair out in frustration staring at legal texts and decided to give it a break. Nothing can be more relaxing than random bloghopping, skimming through posts and then coming across something that really strikes you. I discovered Pepper’s post this afternoon and this is a very interesting tag. I’m not waiting for the niceties of being tagged and all that.
Here goes, my list of childhood misconceptions
1) Babies are made only when thunder strikes
Bollywood movies are to blame for this. A guy and a girl in a room, lightning and thunder, the girl gets scared, hugs the guy and lights go off. Next scene in the ‘lady doctor’s clinic’ where the lady says, ‘Aap Ma bannevaali hai’. There must have been a zillion scenes like this in every Hindi movie those days.
2) How will I die
I always feared I’ll die coz of a lethal snakebite. My ancestral home in Trichur is located in what was once a ‘Sarpakaavu’ and some ruthless older cousins made me believe that I live under the curse of the snake gods or something.
3) Lump sum grant- They determine whether you are SC/ST through blood tests
Once in a while, the peon used to call out the names of certain students and send them to the School Office to collect what was called the lump sum grant. It was the fancy name that caught my attention first. On further prodding, Amma told me it is given to people who belong to SC/ST. She had no way of explaining what that meant to a 7 year old. And my next doubt was, do they determine whether one is SC/ST through blood tests?
4) Nuns were the wives of priests 😀
5) Bangarappa was a superhero
S.Bangarappa was the CM of Karnataka in the early 90s. His name was sprawled all across the newspapers and television and my little brain actually deciphered that, he was someone who had come to save the world.
I’m leaving this tag open to anybody who wants to do it. Walk down the memory lane once again and amuse yourself 🙂
As I opened the door and saw the familiar faces, at a familiar place, a strange heaviness gripped my heart.
Few years ago, on a cold winter night, as I cried myself to sleep, I had resolved… Never again will I let anyone do this to me. Somewhere, I had forgotten to draw the line between concern, friendship and trust. I was made to feel like a sore loser for what I did. I couldn’t find fault with me. Well, none of us can find fault with ourselves and the mighty ego doesn’t let us accept our mistakes. Maybe, that inherent nature of human psyche has left its traces in my reluctance too. Making my life an open book scripted by me, didn’t mean I would let others scribble on it. I do agree to a certain extent I was wrong, but I was not the only one in the whole act.
Time flew by, the faces were mere kbs in my online existence. A hi/hello conversation, random updates in wall posts and I used to burn within. Those reminiscing posts, the dangerous side of nostalgia, the very people you thought would be there for you no matter what… At that time, life didn’t throw so many lemons at me to realize that these are all overrated, a part of life where traces of teenage foolishness remain.
For a few seconds that dreadful night played in my head all over again. And then I saw those faces smiling at me in welcome. The years transpired into thin air as I took each step forward but the heaviness remained. Was it all so easy to forget and forgive, does time really heal? I guess it does. Rather, it teaches you to be indifferent in a way.
We hugged mocking fun at that artificial gesture our alma mater had imbibed in us ( the irony of it), exchanged pleasantries and I was transported back in time where I had left it back then. Maybe, I should have made some effort on my part shedding those layers of ego and trying to make amends. Or maybe, it wasn’t worth it.
Sometimes, the wait is worth it. Time is a beautiful healer. Life is such a sweet bitch. As many lemons as it throws, it also throws lemons at others. It then gives you that rare sadistic opportunity to tell the skeletons and vamps of the past, ‘ I told you so’ :). Growing up is a painful process, the gamut of expanding human relationships doesn’t make it any easier. Friends, their significant others, friends’ friends… the web keeps expanding with each passing year and the complications become exponential. Though it had been a bitter phase for each one of us, we all had our own lessons to learn from them.
PS: Was going through my archives and I realized how time can be a beautiful healer though the scars are left behind.