Monthly Archives: February 2011

Stepping into the Mallu goody two shoes

2 weeks since I landed in TVM and I’m re-learning the process of being the Miss Mallu goody two shoes. That also means, my rant days are back in this blog.

* I am going to be a part of ‘Banker to Every Indian’. I know this is not what everyone expected me to take up as a career. But, if everything in life went as per what I planned 6 years ago it would never be MY life. Simple enough, there are unexpected twists and turns in the road you take. Mine had a landslide on the way.

People are trying to make me believe that my life and future ‘ends here’. Snide remarks, scrunched nose questions, “WHYs”,”I thought you would have done…instead”, “Everybody can do it”…Every question and every person I ignored 6 years ago have resurfaced with a vengeance. I don’t give a damn about what they have got to say, but the Mallu goody two shoes (repaired in B’luru) bites and tells me ‘Oblige them child’.

* On a related note, I got the feelers of how its going to be like. Each time I step into something new, life teaches me to lower my expectations.

* After a gap of about 4 years I attended a retreat. The mandatory one at church which the Mallu goody two shoes cannot escape from. I’m now the church going, god fearing Mallu goody two shoes. With parents like mine, I really have no escape. My issues with the ‘ very concept of it’ remain. I was fuming when I came out of the confessional coz, its no longer what it used to be. Something that our breed takes for granted. All I know is, it takes guts to accept one’s mistakes and with the kind of ‘specimen’ I met today, I have serious concerns. Oops…Mallu goody two shoes doesn’t speak like that

* Sometimes I miss the oblivion I enjoyed in B’luru. You know, when the Mallu goody two shoes didn’t really prick.

* These days conversations with my long lost girlfriends go like this…

GF1/2/3/4: Hey

Me: Hi

GF 1/2/3/4: Got something to tell you

Me: Getting married?

GF 1/2/3/4: Err.. ya.. who told you?

-Duh! Why else would you want to ping me when you didn’t even bother with a hi all these years.

Thus, pressure is building up in my home ground too. But, there seems to be a ‘market failure'(in real economic sense) in this case of RCSC goody two shoes.

And I am pissed by the fact that once you cross your twenties, why does every decision of yours regarding your future,  depend on the effing ‘M’ word. Let that happen in the right time when the right person comes.

*Facebook gives me enough blog fodder these days.Will post one soon…

Now I know why unemployment for a month is injurious to your ‘creative cells’ …

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Music of the rains

Tonight, I heard the cool breeze brush past the leaves. The rustle of the leaves performed the prelude to nature’s symphony.  The rain drops fell in staccato and kissed the earth. The music picked up pace,  the  sound of the raindrops glided into alto and rose to crescendo. Nature’s fireworks erupted, thunder struck like a drum fill, leaving me shaken.  The feel of  raindrops against my skin, the smell of fresh earth wafting through the air, the symphony  of nature playing in the background, it  was one of those rare moments I wished… the world would come to a standstill. A time freeze is all I wanted then, a few moments of pure heavenly bliss. Gradually, the music faded into a ritardando, all that remained was a few more drops of heavenly showers…The lights were dimmed, the curtains fell on nature’s symphony. I couldn’t ask for an encore.
Yes, it rained tonight, the first showers of the summer.So what if it lasted only for a few minutes. I’m a rain-child… what more proof do I need apart from the fact that, I decided to make my way into this world, kicking, wailing and howling, out of my mother’s womb the very moment the first monsoon showers hit our place? Nothing inspires me like the rains do!

17 years without you…

Dear Ippappa ( That’s how I addressed my grandfather)

Its been 17 years since you left us. I had known you only for 6 years of my life, yet I never connected with any other grandparent as much as I did with you. Maybe, I was too young and innocent to love you without being judgmental about what you did or said and I am glad it had to be that way. Coz, there are very few people in my life like that whose fallacies ( if at all there were any), I refuse to believe.

Your little girl is all grown up now. No longer the carefree bird whose only motive in life was to escape Amma’s scoldings after rolling in the mud. Today, even if I fall in deep shit, both of us (amma and me )know the scoldings aren’t going to make any difference. Its upto me to take responsibility for my actions or suffer the consequences.

In a few weeks time, I will be embarking on a career path which was not even there when I was charting out a roadmap of my future. But, as they say everything happens for a reason. These 17 years have been too long and whatever happened in between, some have just vanished, some memories are blurring, some things I don’t want to remember and some moments I desperately, cling on to, never letting them go.

Each passing year, your death anniversary fell around the same time that I had my exams. A Mass in your remembrance, sparing a few thoughts for you that day was the custom. Gradually, you started fading away from my life. Even though your photo hung on the wall opposite to the entrance of our home, with time it just became one of the stationary objects hung on the wall. Life was taking its own course, I got carried away. Death… strange how passage of time, manages to convert the sense of an irreparable loss to a mere disappearance. But then, those hard hitting moments came about, when you were the one I needed the most.

Each visit to your house reminded me of your absence and the distance it created. Initially, I was saddened wondering why was this happening. And then, as I grew up, as the picture became clearer there are moments when I actually thought,’ I am glad you are not there to see all this happening’. How could people determine a price for your ‘sweat’ or rather the fruits of it? That too, people who never really mattered.

The day you left, I never knew life was going to be so tangled up. I have survived so far and I know somewhere you’ve been watching over me.

Tears are welling up, my heart feels heavy. Words wouldn’t justify what I really want to tell you.

I can’t really claim I am happy about the person I have become, I do not know whether I’ve met the expectations you had from me, I do not know if I’ll ever be someone like you. But, I was blessed enough to have YOU as my grandfather.