That creepy feeling called losing the ‘me’ in me is back. With each passing day, I find myself being pulled into an abyss of mediocrity. I never wanted to be here. I’d been waiting for the dreaded moment when the ‘newness’ of it all vanishes. Its been almost a year and the feeling has sunk in.
Its a constant battle of wanting to break away vs where do I go. The weighing balance of pros and cons is manipulated I say. Each time it tilts in favor of the overrated ‘sense of security’. And I am guilty of remaining rooted to it. As I mentioned a year ago, I had to choose between uncertainty and opportunity. Life told me what to do. Someone sensible enough stated the obvious, ” Don’t!!! You’ll regret later”. All I did was wait for it to happen.
Sometimes I wonder if I just created an illusion to ‘make me like’ what I’m doing. Could be or couldn’t be! If only I knew…
If the first year of my posting taught me to be more humble, the second year turns out to be a cruel joke for reasons known and unknown. I’m struggling to like the place, the people. Coz if I don’t its back to routine, that facade of being nice. There was a time when it was easy to genuinely like people. You didn’t have criterias or inhibitions. Anybody could be a friend. But then, growing up opens your eyes to the big bad world. There are too many concentric circles of comfort zones and you ought to place people in those compartments. Some pull it through the maze to find a dead end.
Sometimes I wish I never grew up. And all the time I feel I haven’t grown up. As days pass by, the alarm bells have started ringing at a higher pitch for the wedding bells to ring. But, nobody seems to care who deserves to bear the ring. Expectations are labelled far fetched demands for perfection. Apprehension translates to stubbornness. Being reasonable or thinking of a practical scenario becomes living in an Utopian world. Refusal to compromise is treated as a cardinal sin. Sad this society is. Sometimes you wish that the loved ones loved you a li’l lesser and saved you from the trouble. Dearest Uncles and Aunties, please don’t make it sound like your only purpose in life is to see me get settled. You and I know, its a mutually pre defined role play.
The eyelids refuse to remain open. This abandoned place deserved some attention from a long time. And there couldn’t be a better way to do some catharsis.