Category Archives: emotional atyachaar

One step ahead

Once upon a time, birthdays used to celebrated. Until you climb up the ladder of twenties.

There are some of us, who were accorded stepmotherly treatment by stupid cupid ( courtesy DM). It was just not possible to find or accept someone, when you spent a lifetime celebrating the ‘joys of being single’. And then comes a time, when the panic button is switched on, alarms are raised, the full fledged ‘manhunt’ begins and you feel trapped.

“You’re getting the pic clicked today or else I will….”, the Mother almost issued a suicide threat. Yours truly who spent an entire week listening to the suicide threats of Kudumbashree members in Thrickodithanam couldn’t take anymore of such threats on a Sunday morning while regaining her consciousness from sleep overdose.

Showered and powdered, I was  dragged by my collar and hauled into a photo studio. The photographer tried to hide his smile on hearing “matrimonial type” pic, exactly the kind of humiliation I was trying to avoid. Lights were switched on and the camera assault began. What more can  you expect when you are made to smile at gunpoint, the gunpoint being the mother’s pointed stares…

“Don’t show your teeth, a faint hint of a smile will do”, Amma commanded. The photographer nodded in agreement and to add insult to injury said ,”Yes, She knows how such stuff is done pretty well”. I could almost imagine the photographer hiring my retired jobless Amma and handing over the letter of appointment as an assistant. The camera assault ended and the results were somewhat close to reality. Until the next day I found myself, rooted to a chessboard with an expression that clearly stated ,”What the hell am I doing here? This is so not me”

Clicked, processed, paid & uploaded, the manhunt commenced. Just in case you’re seriously wondering what to do with your life, please find a copy of Manorama’s sunday supplement and skim through the classifieds section. If you don’t feel suicidal please don’t take the pains to let me know.

The manhunt is an interesting process. With a pregnant roomie who has just completed her first trimester my enlightenment on Men of the world has increased manifold.

The default template is incomplete without god-fearing, religious  and someone with a right mix of traditional and modern values. Teehee I know what you mean. I should be traditional when it comes to my duty towards your family and modern when it comes to me ignoring your duty towards the Kerala State Beverages Board which is totally understandable. But, when I see statements like ‘she should adjust with my parents’, the blood boils, traces of having listened to lectures on gender studies and womens’ sociology once upon a time resurface and I begin ranting. Seriously dude!!!

3 months in the district with 100% literacy and I now realize the overrated importance of ‘aristocratic family’. Brand value for belonging to some mootil, kaatil, veetil, kuttil,  kalathil , parambil… In this 21st century  there are people who still uphold the significance of these names in fetching a good bid for their sons…I’m speechless.

Then again, I’m not alone in this. All I had to do was a random search and find a whole LOT of familiar faces. Mean Cupid, I must say.


Someday you’ll laugh over the tears you shed

As I opened the door and saw the familiar faces, at a familiar place, a strange heaviness gripped my heart.

******

Few years ago, on a cold winter night, as I cried myself to sleep, I had resolved… Never again will I let anyone do this to me. Somewhere, I had forgotten to draw the line between concern, friendship and trust. I was made to feel like a sore loser for what I did. I couldn’t find fault with me. Well, none of us can find fault with ourselves and the mighty ego doesn’t let us accept our mistakes. Maybe, that inherent nature of human psyche has left its traces in my reluctance too. Making my life an open book scripted by me, didn’t mean I would let others scribble on it. I do agree to a certain extent I was wrong, but I was not the only one in the whole act.

Time flew by, the faces were mere kbs in my online existence. A hi/hello conversation, random updates in wall posts and I used to burn within. Those reminiscing posts, the dangerous side of nostalgia, the very people you thought would be there for you no matter what… At that time, life didn’t throw so many lemons at me to realize that these are all overrated, a part of life where traces of teenage foolishness remain.

*******

For a few seconds that dreadful night played in my head all over again. And then I saw those faces smiling at me in welcome. The years transpired into thin air as I took each step forward but the heaviness remained. Was it all so easy to forget and forgive, does time really heal? I guess it does. Rather, it teaches you to be indifferent in a way.

We hugged mocking fun at that artificial gesture our alma mater had imbibed in us ( the irony of it), exchanged pleasantries and I was transported back in time where I had left it back then. Maybe, I should have made some effort on my part shedding those layers of ego and trying to make amends. Or maybe, it wasn’t worth it.

Sometimes, the wait is worth it. Time is a beautiful healer. Life is such a sweet bitch. As many lemons as it throws, it also throws lemons at others. It then gives you that rare sadistic opportunity to tell the skeletons and vamps of the past, ‘ I told you so’  :). Growing up is a painful process, the gamut of  expanding human relationships doesn’t make it any easier. Friends, their significant others, friends’ friends… the web keeps expanding with each passing year and the complications become exponential.  Though it had been a bitter phase for each one of us, we all had our own lessons to learn from them.

PS: Was going through my archives and I realized how time can be a beautiful healer though the scars are left behind.


In retrospect

Sometimes, reacting at the spur of the moment

Makes you say things, you’d regret forever

Makes you do things which you don’t want to do…

Makes you write things which  you wish could be erased…

Makes you feel so guilty about things you did, things you said and also about things you didn’t do.

A little deliberate effort could have amended it all, yet sometimes we choose not to.

As the year comes to a close, it is an ideal time for reflection and retrospection. Make amends, apologize and move on.

The last post thus, deserves to be deleted. Too much negativity getting into me. Its not at all good especially at this time of the year. Now that the blood sucking exams are almost done I think I’ve regained senses. Nah, me thinks it was a sudden bout of ADD 😛

Sometimes, I wish certain things in life could be ctrl+z ed too. Why is the human mind so encapsulated in the conflict between emotions and reason?

Lesson learnt: It is not necessary to blog about everything and anything.


Ileyamma

“Kungone, chorunnu”, the words still reverberate.Though I was too small to remember the days I spent with her, fragments of memories still remain. I remember she’d run behind me, while I dragged myself in the walker and later on ran all over the place. The process of feeding me used to be a procession. Ileyamma would carry me and walk around the park and mom or aunt would tag along with the plate of food. It would take at least 3-4 rounds in the park to feed me. I was a stubborn kid who wouldn’t let anything pass through her food pipe unless I had a view of the outside world and in a constant motion. Years later, people would taunt me saying, if Ileyamma had walked that distance (to feed me all those years) in a straight line, she would’ve reached Kothamangalam from B’lore. I remember how I would openly proclaim, I like her more than my maternal grandmother. I remember how she would call me ‘Kunjone’, my version of her calling me ‘kunjumone’. I know it was no easy task at her age to look after a kid like me. In spite of her health problems she stayed on till my parents could make an alternative arrangement, that came in the form of another blessed woman, ammumma about whom I’ve already mentioned.

Ileyamma, is my maternal grandmother’s younger sister. She is a spinster yet, has the distinction of bringing up 15 kids in the family. My mother was sent to her uncle’s place after the birth of her younger sibling and it was Ileyamma who took care of her. History repeated itself in a way, when Ileyamma was the person who took care of me during my infancy. At that crucial time when my parents were helpless, (we couldn’t afford a servant from our hometown to stay full time in B’lore and  my mother couldn’t afford to quit her job) it was Ileyamma who stepped forward.

She showered us all with unconditional love. She substituted the role of what my maternal grandmother should’ve done. That of a mother for my mom and a grandmother for me. She had nobody of her own, yet, I don’t think any other in the family is held with so much respect and love as much as her. She’s been a solace for all working parents when it comes to taking care of their babies. Even though she didn’t have kids or grandchildren of her own, she has 15 of them, who still fight to claim, “I’m HER  baby”.

On the eve of my B’day this year, my aunt broke that devastating news. Ileyamma was dying. Cancer in the pancreas and intestines was taking her away from us. We were losing her slowly. Everyone was shocked. Doctors said that if it was diagnosed early something could be done but now it was too late. Ileyamma, not wanting to trouble anyone, depended on the ayurvedic medicines from the local doctor when the initial symptoms like stomach pain started showing. It was only in an advanced stage that we all came to know about her illness.

All this leaves us with a guilty conscience. This incident showed the value of relationships. People had taken her for granted over the years.  As the kids grew up, Ileyamma’s role started becoming less important and she was left shuttling between a few nephews’ and nieces’ homes. People got busy with their lives and our contact with Ileyamma was limited to the occasional phone calls or a visit once a year. These are things I deeply regret now. For all those years lost. We could’ve done more for her during those days and now we’re in a situation we cannot do anything for her.

Prayers, wishes, they all seem futile. Its terrible to see someone dying, especially your loved one. All I wish is, let her die a peaceful death coz I can’t bear to see her suffer anymore.

Ever since, I got to know Ileyamma’s days were counted, I’ve been trying to post something about her, but I always end up discarding the post, coz I feel words wouldn’t do justice to what she really means to me or my family.


It ought to move on! :)

Dear God….!
You’re just great. There is none like you who can play around so much…
One day you make feel like shit and the next day you make me feel on top of the world!
I was going through a really bad phase and had become an emotional wreck (it’s not a case of being ditched :P, I’m still a singled out single..k I’m overusing the term these days.., it’s just a matter of being misunderstood for wrong reasons by close friends)

All I had to say was, ” God, Why is this happening to me?”.

And then it all came as a big surprise…Thank you so much God!

A call from CL and absolutely by fluke I made it to Tycoons city finals, I’d even forgotten that I had given the prelims in college.
A few good words and lots of encouragement from a totally unknown lecturer…
Conversations with few special people
To realize that, some people will always be there for you no matter what ( parents come first in the list).
To know that what you wrote was just at the right moment for another person…
And then you know, Life just moves on …..

Yet, it hurts when
Those wide smiles of joy shared narrows down to a mere widening of lip muscles
Those hugs now become mere handshakes
The eerie silences and efforts to pretend as if nothing happened is straight on your face
The memories of good times spent together, many of which are in this blog, come flooding back and your eyes are flooded with tears too…

I accept where I went wrong and vow not to repeat them again
And it gives me some sort of sadistic pleasure to see the same people do the same things that I was accused of…

And again I know

It’s just the ups and downs in life that makes it adventurous and worth living.
Tears and smiles add to the colours of life.

Thank you so much God and all those who made me realize the value of friendships and relationships

(Dearest pals,, a few people who read my blogs please do pray for me for the finals, it’s not about winning honestly its just that, I’m afraid of being the last one coz I’ve absolutely no business or commerce background)

This post was just a self-ego booster!


What was left unsaid

When you realize your intentions were not wrong, yet they were perceived to be wrong

When you learn, it’s really really tough to handle people you care for,

When you accept, once a bond is broken, it’s hard to rebind

When you come to know, people you considered best of friends, turned out to be foes

When you see it’s all drifting away…

When you know your effort to bring it back is futile

You realize, it hurts to give someone so much of space in your lives

What you built up step by step. Comes crashing down in a few seconds

When the silence is agonizing

When the distance is harrowing

When you feel nobody is worth your tears yet, once upon a time their tears were yours…

When you know all you wanted is their good but the tables were turned against you

You concede what was said or done cannot be unsaid or undone

When you know there is no other choice but let it go,

No more explanations to offer, no more tears to shed

No more justifications, no more confrontations

When you feel lonely in everyone’s presence

You learn the virtue of selfishness

You learn the lessons of life, the hard way

And you feel like shouting,” Life can be a bitch”…. Ya, it can be a sweet bitch

You have 2 choices to make:

Justify yourself and feel good…

Accept your mistake and feel like a big loser…

Maybe, you should just write it all down during a particular Economics class

And then you figure out

“This too shall pass, time definitely heals”

Just the time spent on writing this down was enough to bring a smile back to my face…
(I had vowed not to be an emotional fool in writing my blogs, but this is the only way for me to talk it out)