Category Archives: self obsessed ramble

17 years without you…

Dear Ippappa ( That’s how I addressed my grandfather)

Its been 17 years since you left us. I had known you only for 6 years of my life, yet I never connected with any other grandparent as much as I did with you. Maybe, I was too young and innocent to love you without being judgmental about what you did or said and I am glad it had to be that way. Coz, there are very few people in my life like that whose fallacies ( if at all there were any), I refuse to believe.

Your little girl is all grown up now. No longer the carefree bird whose only motive in life was to escape Amma’s scoldings after rolling in the mud. Today, even if I fall in deep shit, both of us (amma and me )know the scoldings aren’t going to make any difference. Its upto me to take responsibility for my actions or suffer the consequences.

In a few weeks time, I will be embarking on a career path which was not even there when I was charting out a roadmap of my future. But, as they say everything happens for a reason. These 17 years have been too long and whatever happened in between, some have just vanished, some memories are blurring, some things I don’t want to remember and some moments I desperately, cling on to, never letting them go.

Each passing year, your death anniversary fell around the same time that I had my exams. A Mass in your remembrance, sparing a few thoughts for you that day was the custom. Gradually, you started fading away from my life. Even though your photo hung on the wall opposite to the entrance of our home, with time it just became one of the stationary objects hung on the wall. Life was taking its own course, I got carried away. Death… strange how passage of time, manages to convert the sense of an irreparable loss to a mere disappearance. But then, those hard hitting moments came about, when you were the one I needed the most.

Each visit to your house reminded me of your absence and the distance it created. Initially, I was saddened wondering why was this happening. And then, as I grew up, as the picture became clearer there are moments when I actually thought,’ I am glad you are not there to see all this happening’. How could people determine a price for your ‘sweat’ or rather the fruits of it? That too, people who never really mattered.

The day you left, I never knew life was going to be so tangled up. I have survived so far and I know somewhere you’ve been watching over me.

Tears are welling up, my heart feels heavy. Words wouldn’t justify what I really want to tell you.

I can’t really claim I am happy about the person I have become, I do not know whether I’ve met the expectations you had from me, I do not know if I’ll ever be someone like you. But, I was blessed enough to have YOU as my grandfather.

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Childhood misconceptions- a tag

I was pulling my hair out in frustration staring at legal texts and decided to give it a break. Nothing can be more relaxing than random bloghopping, skimming through posts and then coming across something that really strikes you. I discovered Pepper’s post this afternoon and this is a very interesting tag. I’m not waiting for the niceties of being tagged and all that.

Here goes, my list of childhood misconceptions

1) Babies are made only when thunder strikes

Bollywood movies are to blame for this. A guy and a girl in a room, lightning and thunder, the girl gets scared, hugs the guy and lights go off. Next scene in the ‘lady doctor’s clinic’ where the lady says, ‘Aap Ma bannevaali hai’. There must have been a zillion scenes like this in every Hindi movie those days.

2) How will I die

I always feared I’ll die coz of a lethal  snakebite. My ancestral home in Trichur is located in what was once a ‘Sarpakaavu’ and some ruthless older cousins made me believe that I live under the curse of the snake gods or something.

3) Lump sum grant- They determine whether you are SC/ST through blood tests

Once in a while, the peon used to call out the names of certain students and send them to the School Office to collect what was called the lump sum grant. It was the fancy name that caught my attention first. On further prodding, Amma told me it is given to people who belong to SC/ST. She had no way of explaining what that meant to a 7 year old. And my next doubt was, do they determine whether one is SC/ST through blood tests?

4) Nuns were the wives of priests 😀

5) Bangarappa was a superhero

S.Bangarappa was the CM of Karnataka in the early 90s. His name was sprawled all across the newspapers and television and my little brain actually deciphered that, he was someone who had come to save the world.

I’m leaving this tag open to anybody who wants to do it. Walk down the memory lane once again and amuse yourself 🙂


Someday you’ll laugh over the tears you shed

As I opened the door and saw the familiar faces, at a familiar place, a strange heaviness gripped my heart.

******

Few years ago, on a cold winter night, as I cried myself to sleep, I had resolved… Never again will I let anyone do this to me. Somewhere, I had forgotten to draw the line between concern, friendship and trust. I was made to feel like a sore loser for what I did. I couldn’t find fault with me. Well, none of us can find fault with ourselves and the mighty ego doesn’t let us accept our mistakes. Maybe, that inherent nature of human psyche has left its traces in my reluctance too. Making my life an open book scripted by me, didn’t mean I would let others scribble on it. I do agree to a certain extent I was wrong, but I was not the only one in the whole act.

Time flew by, the faces were mere kbs in my online existence. A hi/hello conversation, random updates in wall posts and I used to burn within. Those reminiscing posts, the dangerous side of nostalgia, the very people you thought would be there for you no matter what… At that time, life didn’t throw so many lemons at me to realize that these are all overrated, a part of life where traces of teenage foolishness remain.

*******

For a few seconds that dreadful night played in my head all over again. And then I saw those faces smiling at me in welcome. The years transpired into thin air as I took each step forward but the heaviness remained. Was it all so easy to forget and forgive, does time really heal? I guess it does. Rather, it teaches you to be indifferent in a way.

We hugged mocking fun at that artificial gesture our alma mater had imbibed in us ( the irony of it), exchanged pleasantries and I was transported back in time where I had left it back then. Maybe, I should have made some effort on my part shedding those layers of ego and trying to make amends. Or maybe, it wasn’t worth it.

Sometimes, the wait is worth it. Time is a beautiful healer. Life is such a sweet bitch. As many lemons as it throws, it also throws lemons at others. It then gives you that rare sadistic opportunity to tell the skeletons and vamps of the past, ‘ I told you so’  :). Growing up is a painful process, the gamut of  expanding human relationships doesn’t make it any easier. Friends, their significant others, friends’ friends… the web keeps expanding with each passing year and the complications become exponential.  Though it had been a bitter phase for each one of us, we all had our own lessons to learn from them.

PS: Was going through my archives and I realized how time can be a beautiful healer though the scars are left behind.


In retrospect

Sometimes, reacting at the spur of the moment

Makes you say things, you’d regret forever

Makes you do things which you don’t want to do…

Makes you write things which  you wish could be erased…

Makes you feel so guilty about things you did, things you said and also about things you didn’t do.

A little deliberate effort could have amended it all, yet sometimes we choose not to.

As the year comes to a close, it is an ideal time for reflection and retrospection. Make amends, apologize and move on.

The last post thus, deserves to be deleted. Too much negativity getting into me. Its not at all good especially at this time of the year. Now that the blood sucking exams are almost done I think I’ve regained senses. Nah, me thinks it was a sudden bout of ADD 😛

Sometimes, I wish certain things in life could be ctrl+z ed too. Why is the human mind so encapsulated in the conflict between emotions and reason?

Lesson learnt: It is not necessary to blog about everything and anything.


Protected: Random Rant

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Rant

I need to do this or else I’ll end up hurling abuses at people in my growth and development paper tomorrow. Questions on critically examine ‘x’ s theory ( note: x=43 in this case..43 theories.. KILL ME) will be answered as Ricardo was out of his mind or Tobin himself had no clue what he was talking about. Anyways, there are only three kinds of people in this planet earth who bring out the worst in me.

1) Auto drivers

2) College and a few people associated with it

3)  Right now every person who formulated a growth theory to make my life miserable. Rather the University people who included all this in our syllabus which is pointless.

All I can think of critically examining is ‘its useless, meaningless, pointless, worthless’. With due respect to all the economists, I have to confess, seriously I don’t understand why their research got so much recognition ( in our syllabus) when it holds no value in the current world. As I’ve mentioned in my previous blog, I’m sure these growth economists were venting their personal egos rather than doing original research. That reminds me that I don’t understand their fascination with the word ‘vulgar’. While criticizing each other, every other person’s theory happens to be a ‘vulgar’ theory according to them. Speaking of the interesting usage of words by Economists this one takes the cake. Ms.Joan Robinson and her ‘ Bastard golden age’. I’m in love with this lady. Of the very few lady economists I know, she is one with lot of guts. Her writings and open criticisms makes me go :O

Now, I wouldn’t have hated these growth theorists if not for my Lect. This person stays 10 miles away from anything that has got mathematical equations in it and thus, a major portion of our syllabus was left for self-study coz we aren’t supposed to be spoon-fed at PG level. What a dumb excuse. For people like me who survive only on class lectures and hate to read anything that has to do with the course subject, this is torture.

The other day I just realized how ‘hypocritical’ people in my college are. My college happened to be my centre for this particular exam I was writing and I was shocked to see the happenings there. Since, I remain invisible in that place especially with my obsessive bunking disorder, these people didn’t recognize me (luckily). The dedication and sincerity with which they were ushering people, showing directions… the wholehearted service left me in tears. One person was kind enough to show me the very classroom where I shuttle up and down everyday I college. Sigh

The tears turned into exasperation  when I had to travel for 2 hours and wait for the’ HALL TICKET’, right on the day before the exam ( today). And, they treat us like some third rate citizens.  Not that I’d have spent those hours in ‘productive activities’ but I could’ve spent that time to finish a few more pages of ‘Godfather’. It keeps me sane.

The worst part of it all was the decision to hire an auto to get back. The bloody jerk had a dysfunctional meter and had the nerve to ask me for extra bucks. I just paid the exact amount and scooted from the place after screaming at him. He almost knocked down a girl in a scooty and fled from the place. Contrary to my ‘why chumma get into trouble attitude’ today my temper was so high that I shouted at him for that too. I’m glad I did that. My troubles with auto drivers here never seem to end.

Anyhow, some days are just meant to be like this and I post stuff that makes people think I’m a misanthrope. Can’t complain, can I?

So where did I begin. Ya.. growth and development. Time to cram useless stuff and answer questions like ‘what was Smt.Joan Robinson’s contribution to theory of capital accumulation’. Smt.Joan Robinson? Seriously? reinforces my belief that our university murders Economics and Economists.


The birthday of the self-obsessed

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

(this was my b’day cake last year! Dunno why those co-intern googlers missed the M)
hope this does the part of showing off on your b’day

Thank you God, for everything !!!

Thank you for giving me all those wonderful people around me, who touched my life in some or the other way. People who made me realize the person I am, for making me feel special, who have seen me grow, who have always been there for me and who taught me valuable lessons for the past 20 years. I’m actually running short of words on this day!

(I have my exams going on, which is diverting my creative juices into other channels.. hope to be back soon)