Dear Ippappa ( That’s how I addressed my grandfather)
Its been 17 years since you left us. I had known you only for 6 years of my life, yet I never connected with any other grandparent as much as I did with you. Maybe, I was too young and innocent to love you without being judgmental about what you did or said and I am glad it had to be that way. Coz, there are very few people in my life like that whose fallacies ( if at all there were any), I refuse to believe.
Your little girl is all grown up now. No longer the carefree bird whose only motive in life was to escape Amma’s scoldings after rolling in the mud. Today, even if I fall in deep shit, both of us (amma and me )know the scoldings aren’t going to make any difference. Its upto me to take responsibility for my actions or suffer the consequences.
In a few weeks time, I will be embarking on a career path which was not even there when I was charting out a roadmap of my future. But, as they say everything happens for a reason. These 17 years have been too long and whatever happened in between, some have just vanished, some memories are blurring, some things I don’t want to remember and some moments I desperately, cling on to, never letting them go.
Each passing year, your death anniversary fell around the same time that I had my exams. A Mass in your remembrance, sparing a few thoughts for you that day was the custom. Gradually, you started fading away from my life. Even though your photo hung on the wall opposite to the entrance of our home, with time it just became one of the stationary objects hung on the wall. Life was taking its own course, I got carried away. Death… strange how passage of time, manages to convert the sense of an irreparable loss to a mere disappearance. But then, those hard hitting moments came about, when you were the one I needed the most.
Each visit to your house reminded me of your absence and the distance it created. Initially, I was saddened wondering why was this happening. And then, as I grew up, as the picture became clearer there are moments when I actually thought,’ I am glad you are not there to see all this happening’. How could people determine a price for your ‘sweat’ or rather the fruits of it? That too, people who never really mattered.
The day you left, I never knew life was going to be so tangled up. I have survived so far and I know somewhere you’ve been watching over me.
Tears are welling up, my heart feels heavy. Words wouldn’t justify what I really want to tell you.
I can’t really claim I am happy about the person I have become, I do not know whether I’ve met the expectations you had from me, I do not know if I’ll ever be someone like you. But, I was blessed enough to have YOU as my grandfather.