Stomachs were full, but the hunger hadn’t been satiated…what a post…hats off
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Sometimes I need to tell myself a few things to knock some sense into my head.
1) Stop being so pessimistic. Agree life has made you like that. But, you have a lot to be thankful for. You refuse to acknowledge that there might be a silver ray of hope somewhere.You just shut your eyes and refuse to see. The problem is within you.
2) You get frustrated that you can’t dress up & present yourself the way you want to while you are at this job. So what? Think of everything else available to you here. Have a look at that balance sheet and crib, will you?
3) Stop being so judgmental. Instincts have always been right. But, why generalize? Everyone deserves a fair chance. Remember, everybody has a story.
4) Do you feel like an ignorant fool when you hear people discussing the world around them? That is because you haven’t read the newspapers regularly. It once used to be an unavoidable routine. Now you let laziness and overconfidence to dominate you. Pay the price ha!
5) Envy gets you nowhere except for making you feel all the more miserable. Remember, you always have the choice and the chance to do what you want, reach where you want to. But, if you’re adamant on remaining in that comfort zone and weep over others who got ahead of you…you have a problem.
6) The loyalty vs fairness/justice debate. You ought to know where your priorities lie.
7)Learn to react, where you ought to react and when you have to react. The world has no place for the meek damsels in distress. It belongs to the fighters.
8)Stop being such a bore. You were a li’l less boring a few years ago. Sulking in the name of quarter life crisis is childish behavior now.
9) Acknowledgement and acceptance. Learn to do that to others. Spread the love.
10) I’m done with the self motivation. Tomorrow I might be the same again!
“Very few people do this any more. It’s too risky. First of all, it’s a hell of a responsibility to be yourself. It’s much easier to be somebody else or nobody at all.”
I’m still not over my phase of Obsessive Compulsive Sylvia Plath addiction. I’ve been reading and re-reading her journals like a maniac for the past few months.
*I’m getting used to this wannabe city which goes by the name Kochi. For the past few weeks, I’ve been thrown out of my comfort zone and deputed to do some number crunching. It means instead of the 5 min walk from home to the branch, I’ve to travel across the city of Kochi everyday. This is one city, no matter how many times I’ve been there, I manage to lose my way and get lost.
* Lunchtime conversations now linger around topics like how to differentiate between male and female sardine. The benefits of working with people your parents age…
* The other day my mom received a call from someone claiming to be a priest. Apparently he got a prayer request in my name and he found several obstacles which are going to delay my walk down the aisle. I’m in dire need of spiritual intervention and he wanted to counsel me on the phone. He was not ready to disclose who the prayer request came from. Someone from my Parish did it seems. Nice Try… The Alarm bells in my head hit the maximum decibel. What kinda idiot would fall into a trap like that?
* Oh yea in other important news, I’m living with the parents again. The perks are plenty, but I miss my solitude..at times.
* The only 2 people who I could talk to in this organization without weighing my words, have quit. Maybe all the more reason I felt a strange itch to write some trash in here.
* The dull routine is making me miserable 😦
Plath is the only woman whose words I understand these days. Scary!
March 2011…I was apprehensive. This was an offer I’d love to hate.
March 2012- It felt like I was in denial. I was beginning to enjoy this job.
March 2013- I could only think of giving it up every single day.
And then Aluva happened. I have moved to the banks of Periyar, lived through the worst phase of my career in the last 3 months and now I’m scared of falling into a comfort zone.
There are many days when I get to play the lady boss and that means, I am the one bound to be yelled at by customers. Meeting a plethora of people, putting up through a multitude of attitudes, keeping calm when all I feel like doing is giving one tight slap..Life has been a bittersweet learning experience yet again.
Last week, a customer’s father insulted me, used derogatory words, yelled at me when several people were around and stomped off finally. The reason was, I refused his request to withdraw money from his daughter’s account which had not been operated for a while.
Apparently the daughter is married off somewhere in Northern Kerala and this man by virtue of his paternity considered it to be his right to withdraw money from his daughter’s account. All I could say is, it was not permitted according to the ‘rules’. The man felt offended and thus, let out the verbal vitriol.
It could have been some money he needed urgently, it could have been for his daily quota in Bevco, maybe his daughter was not able to come at this time… I was left a bit shaken for this was the first time I heard such remarks levelled against me in public. I was trying to convince myself that the man must have lost his temper for any of the above reasons.
A few hours later, he walked in with this daughter. The daughter was giving me the icy stare totally oblivious to the situation. According to her, the father had every right to withdraw money in her absence. My battle ended there.
We live among ignorant people and the battle against such mindset is futile. Their built in value system, their beliefs, attitudes..all her father said was, “Veetil irikkunna pennungale enthina veruthe vilich varuthiye”. ( almost translates to “this girl should remain in the confines of her home. Why did you call her here?”). The girl seconded her father and questioned me too. It was more of a strong conviction than a mere religious/social belief.
I was at a loss of words. How could I convince her that ‘she should be breaking the walls when she herself believed remaining confined to the four walls is what she is meant to do according the teachings imparted to her through society and religion?”
The situation just scared me. A one off experience here in an educated society in small town Kerala leaves me wondering…”Can we break those mental barriers yet?”
Another friendship day… To the ones I haven’t managed to lose yet….thank you for being there.
Catching up with an old friend, the music teacher blasting me for leaving it all, the unnatural excitement about taking up my next assignment, the tears I try to hide every time I look at Aunty’s face ( she was my second mother in this godforsaken place called k’kulam) and snapping at someone when I shouldn’t be really bothered… All this feels so wrong at the moment.